Thursday, September 3, 2015

Friday, August 28, 2015

Friday, 28 August, 2015

Something that has been irking me lately is the concept of healthy eating.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Being and Nothingness

The characteristic of selfishness (Selbstheit), in fact, is that man is always separated from what he is by all the breadth of the being which he is not. He makes himself known to himself from the other side of the world and he looks from the horizon toward himself to recover his inner being.
 ~ Jean-Paul Sartre

Oh come on, that was profound as heck.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Just in time for E3, I am proud to announce my debut game title, Super Ultra Metal Cathammer Slug DX Neo!

 Just kidding.

Anyhow, I never bothered playing X Rebirth due to being lazy and the incredible amount of flak it got from players. I stumbled across some of the ship models and I must say they look surprisingly nice (esepcially compared to the previous games).

I have also learned to make peace with the point to point line tool in SAI.

I wonder if there's an app to make drawing vectors in isometric easier...

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Saturday, 06 June 2015

Yes I'm still here! I haven't been doing much lately. Today I refactored most of the code. All behind the scenes stuff, so I don't have anything new to show, but these things are important, okay?

Monday, June 1, 2015

Monday, 01 June 2015

Not much today. Changed the turning from directly changing rotation to using .AddTorque and had some fun trying to figure out why it kept turning the long way around because I'm too tired to minus things by 360. Also watching the ship spin around frantically to get to 0° difference was mildly amusing.

Added a simply end of course X marks the spot thing, and drew a better background star sprite (I really need to write a shader or something for that). Retraced the ship using exclusively vectors because the shoddy anti-aliasing and overflow on the edges of the previous one was annoying me.

I think I broke the anti-aliasing on the planets, will have to check tomorrow.

Edit: Forgot to mention, that implementing the course end plotter just highlighted for me the total lack of planning regarding the hierarchy of my game objects. I better clean it up while it's still simple enough to do so.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Sunday, 31 May 2015

Only got about 2 hours in today (thanks to X³ Albion Prelude and its terrible interface that makes everything take 100 times longer than it should), but managed to get a couple of stuff done nonetheless.

Grabbed a trianglify background and used it as an alpha mask to blend my own two colours together (since I was too lazy to figure out how to input my own colours), and drew an ugly vector star for the background.

Now, time for today's "Did you know?"!

Did you know, the phenomenon of stars twinkling when viewed through the Earth's atmosphere is known as astronomical scintillation?

So unfortunately, making stars twinkle when you're in a spaceship is as far as I'm aware, unrealstic. As would be the parallax effect due to the sheer distance (unless you're moving at FTL speeds but I digress). And lastly, as pretty as nebulae are, they'd be nowhere as dense as the artistic impressions.

Which leaves me with the decision: what balance between realism and eye-candy do I strive for? I mean I'm not trying to make a 100% accurate space sim now am I, when all the planets have the same radius as each other and even the Sun.

Oh, I also tweaked the planet shader a bit to accept a base colour, and some random values for the bezier curves. Might work for random non-existant planets, but I still prefer my hand drawn sprites for our own solar systems' ones.

So there's the question of scale. Do you make all the celestials the same radius (and size as the player's ship)? The other end of the scale would be everything 1:1 to scale (see Elite:Dangerous) which is pretty much unfeasible for what I'm aiming for. Since, what I'm working on is heavily based on Synthetic Reality's Warpath from 1995 or so:

Decisions decisions...

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Saturday, 30 May 2015



So, I finally managed to wrangle rotation into submission through the judicious intake of coffee and a liberal application of rolling my face on the keyboard out of sheer frustration.

Now, clicking on a location in space will make the ship turn to face it, and turn towards it. I just need to change the rotation from direction rotating via transform.rotation (naughty!) to using RigidBody's AddTorque. (The movement is already using AddForce).

I also added a spiffy header bar on top that does absolutely nothing (for now), as well as quick and nasty Text Meshes to the planets to display their names. The scaling on their orbit circles is just as suspect, it lies close to but not exactly on their centers which is really annoying me.

I also managed to find whih prefab/script was giving me that damn "the referenced script on this behaviour is misssing unity" error (I forgot to Apply changes to the prefab on my player controlled ship).

I need to make a spiffier course plotter. Maybe something that shows the ship's current vector and the destination one (which would have made implementing rotation easier in the first place but I digress). As well as a nicer off screen bracket pointer. And make the engine trails be dependent on the force (so thrusting gives longer trails than turning). And and and...

Friday, May 29, 2015

Friday, 29 May 2015

Today has been the most frustrating day so far with the programming. I've always said Fridays were the worst day of the week.

First off I tried to draw a cursor on screen that sits on the edge of your screen pointing to off screen objects. After the better part of 2 hours, I decided to give it a break and work on something else.

Managed to get a simple line drawn between two objects (as you can see in the screen shot, between star and ship). Then proceeded to add orbit circles, which worked fine until I realised that as soon as I scale them up to increase the radius, the line width increases because I'm setting the width in local coordinates and not in screen coordinates.

Anyhow, after much fiddling around (i.e. googling answers to similar questsions), I found a solution that kept the orbit circle the same thickness, except now I couldn't increase or decrease it. Oh well.

I then noticed that the anti-aliasing on my amazing Bezier curve planet wasn't resolution independent (related to previous problem), and I managed to fix that up in less than a minute, luckily without any side effects.

Then, back to the off screen cursor. After much cursing I finally got to position it in the right place. I then started to work on rotating the cursor (an arrow), only to discover I can't rotate the built in GUI sprites, I have to muck around with rotating the entire canvas (or something to that effect), drawing a dynamically created texture, and then rotating the canvas back.

In the end, I managed to get it to work close enough. I wanted it to hug the edge of the screen, but it's orbiting the ship at half the screen height so it's okay I guess.

Hopefully I'll have less frustration and more productivity tomorrow.

Edit: Forgot to mention that at some point I implemented the basic built-in engine trails. Need to adapt them to react to the user flying forward, because currently they look really dumb when reversing (wait, why does my spaceship reverse as fast as it flies forward?) and when turning in tight circles.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Thursday, 28 May 2015

Now with anti-aliasing and cubic bezier curves!

I'm currently using a hardcoded amount of bezier curves and passing the data in via 5x float4's, and also using hardcoded colours. All of which I am not very proud of. But hey, it works!

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

Was reading about some interesting things lately. Voronoi diagrams, Delaunay triangulation, NURBS (Non-uniform rational basis splines) diegetic interface. While all this sounds really smart and intellectual I didn't understand a thing about it. :B

Currently busy trying to make a texture/fragment shader for generating planets instead of me manually drawing each one by hand. It's a pity they taught us Fixed Pipeline instead of Shaders when I studied Computer Graphics 2 or 3 years ago.

Today's progress:

Hand drawn sprite on the left, shader generated on the right. Not much, but more than I had initially expected (i.e. nothing due to procrastination).

Still need to implement anti-aliasing, find a better formula to use than simple sin(x) (this is probably where splines come in) and figure out what's up with the alpha channel.

Well the transparency was an easy one to fix, had to add the Queue = Transparent tag, disable Z-buffer and add Blend mode for SrcAlpha.


Monday, May 25, 2015

Monday, 25 May 2015

I spent most of last week "programming" a bill of quantites generator in Excel VBA. You feed in a nice hierarchal tree of a few hundred items and it builds a nice tree out of them and spits out a neatly formatted 50 page document with headers, footers, pagination, automatic numbering and sub-totals and totals. And to think people expected me to do it manually, line item by line item.

So, between that, Cosmonautica and X³ Albion Prelude I haven't been up to much on the programming side. After much coercion and bullying by one of my friends (hi Eivind) I finally installed Unity 5 and mucked around a bit.

So far you can fly your ship around without it using engines or leaving magical space dust contrails, and bump around into planets like marbles super-glued to the ground.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Thursday, 14 May 2015

I think I've finally gotten somewhere on choosing the direction I want the game to go in. I still have an almost insurmountable amount of design choices ahead but I've made SOME progress! So, 1% instead of 0%.

I've also gotten two whiteboards and a thick stack of Post-It notes, so soon I'll upload photos of my amazing GAME DEV IDEA CORNER.

Today I wanted to do several mockups but I only had the energy to do one, so here it is:

Did you know that the phenomena of stars twinkling when viewed through Earth's atmosphere is called stellar scintillation? KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

Sunday, May 10, 2015

On motivational speakers and weight loss scams

Uninteresting rambling that I just had to get off my chest, proceed at your own risk.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Tuesday, 05 May 2015

With the conclusion of April and its plethora of holidays, regular programming resumes and Programming Adventures unfortunately take a back seat (conveniently, as I just got to the point where I need to learn about Quarter Onions and other eldritch secrets of forbidden advanced mathematics).

So I woke up this morning from a dream where I was so tired I couldn't get up, but when I woke up, I wasn't tired in real life. This sort of thing at 1 AM is confusing and tries to make my head hurt. Anyway I went back to sleep, had even more dreams, and woke up 5 minutes later because it was 6 AM and the alarm clock went off. Which makes for a better explanation as to why my new upstairs neighbour was pacing around than 1 AM does.

I wonder if abcesses have lucid dreams as a side effect? (Hah.)

Any how, dreams ranged from train dreams, to work colleague dreams, to sleeping dreams, to minus 15 years and still living with family dreams, to getting a nice long letter from someone you haven't heard from in years dreams, to memory flash backs to the 90s dreams. As much as I miss those years I don't like getting flashbacks, those never bode well.

The only thing that keeps things in check is that with all the "things-were-happier-then" memories, eventually a cringe-worthy "I can't believe I did that" memory crops up that makes both your conscious and subconcious simultaneously shrivel their metaphoric/hypothetical/anthromorphic faces in disgust and revulsion.

One thing I will hang on to though, is that memory of when we were camping in wooden cabins in the forest (well, depending on your definition of camping I suppose, but I then digress). It was night time and the rest of the people in the group I was placed in were making a racket, so I stepped outside for a moment.

As I close the door behind me, the noise fades out to grey. It's dark and still outside, and a slow, lazy rain is falling. I look up at a moon-lit sky, and see every drop of rain falling down, lit by the moon, all between the silhouette of tall trees stretching and reaching up towards the sky.

That memory will always have a special place in my heart. Bonus points if I have Conjure One - Tears From the Moon playing in my head at the same time.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Spaceship instrument doodles and a lazy space diner

Another day of slow but steady progress (mostly slow though). Did some refactoring of the hodge podge classes I made for managing objects, read up a bit on gimbal locking, quarterions, ecliptic coordinate system and a bunch of other stuff I still do not understand at all.

On the actual programming side, got the mouse/camera to work by switching from a camera orbiting in a sphere to one orbiting in a ribbon/open topped cylinder (spins around the XZ axis, and ascends/descends perpendicularly on the Y. Managed to get the player's object moving, and last but not least (especially not least) managed to load a mesh from an .x file, despite some minor speedbumps along the way.

Next up: choosing a method of representing the bearing of objects. So far I've only been storing their location (x, y, z), but not their orientation (heading, elevation and banking). Then I need to figure out the (probably simple) math to get the ship to move in the direction it's pointing, i.e. if it's pointing 45° up and 15° to the right and the player presses forward, it needs to move in that direction.

Anyway, enough rambling, have some scribbles and "concept" art. I think this particular ship is growing on me (although the cockpit is too high). I'll probably regain my criticalness and hate it in the morning though.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Swift's Programmering Adventures pt II

Quite pleased with the progress I made so far. Sorted out handling multiple objects, derived/base object class, spheres and rings. Wonder what I'll get up to tomorrow? Maybe starfield, fiddle with more lighting, and gradient background? Current mouse/camera code behaviour is still annoying the hell out of me though, feels incredibly anti-intuitive. Need to implement mousewheel for camera distance too I guess...

Monday, April 27, 2015

Sketches and stuff

Have you ever played a video game and it had so much potential, but the execution just seemed flawed, and this frustrated you so much you wanted to make your own game? Well that's how I've been feeling a lot lately. Too bad that involves actual work, which I am clinically certified as allergic to.

Instead, have some scribbles.

Re-learning programming 3D graphics

I learnt the basics of programming simple 3D graphics a few years ago when I did my degree, but since then I've forgotten everything. Recently I decided to try and pick it up again (long story). I'm still starting out, so the progress is pretty rapid, so I thought I'd show some progress before it tapers off!

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Thursday, 09 April 2015

Nothing much interesting today. Had a dream I was walking down to the foodmarket (it's Thursday today, can you tell I'm excited?), and then a bunch of ne'er-do-wells showed up and it turned out I was some sort of policeman or security person or something so I had to call in for backup.

And then eventually they arrived, except instead of sending more cops or the special forces, they sent girl scouts. Like, with cookies. This distracted everyone, but then the bad guys escaped. Oh well, everyone got cookies. Choc chip 'natch.

Then we hung out in Green Market Square waiting for them to leave the city (clearly my dreams have zero sense of direction). Our ambush failed, so then we went running for a bit. Turns out running on windy and winding roads next to cliffs with no barriers is not a good idea! Whodda thought...

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Lately, between the media and the ever increasing vocal minorities, there seems to be an overabundance of people accusing everyone else of being racist while themselves stirring racial division and strife. You don't promote tolerance and "transformation" by riling up everyone and sowing discord. And generalising and stereotyping entire groups of people based on the colour of their skin because it always has to be "us vs. them".

It seems to boil down not to "Racism is bad" but rather "Racism against me is bad", but it's perfectly fine when someone else is on the receiving end. Sigh.

Why can't everyone just get along.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Monday, 06 April 2015

Easter holidays have reminded me of my old life of sleeping whole day, doing nothing, and mid day naps. Not having to get dressed and go outside (to work) on Fridays. Waking up at 10am on Mondays. Nothing happens, and nothing needs to be done. I think I missed this.

Oh well, back to work tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Wednesday, 01 April 2015

Last night I had a dream that I was really tired and trying to get some sleep and then my alarm went off and I had to wake up and I was really not happy about this. Then I really woke up, frantically checked the time, and it was only 3:30 AM. The relief was palpable.

Between Elite:Dangerous and Space Engineers I guess I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. Getting a new moka pot and all the coffee that means doesn't help either :o)

I also had a second, much longer and drawn out dream. Guest appearances from all the regulars, everything from feelings of inadequacy to super powers, culminating in simultaneous orbital bombardments, and even shopping for hoodies. This dream had it all.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Saturday, 28 March 2015

Double dream bonanza!

Second dream, we were going on high school camp. I was so worried about fiddling with my camera that I forgot to pack in everything else. So all I had for the week was the clothes on my back, and my camera. Haha.

Any how, bus drove us along the ocean road, and we ended up in some really dodgy looking little town, with suspicious characters loitering all around. There was this big abandoned building on the hill that looked like it would make for some great photos, but of course, it would have probably been inhabitated by nerfarious people of ill-repute or something.

First dream was the run-of-the-mill post-apocalyptic scavenging and survival one. Spanning three diverse locations of high school, Wild Wild West and South American country side, we were wandering around just trying to scrounge and survive while avoiding zombies or monsters or people with some strange and deadly infectious disease or something to that effect.

It started off with us fleeing the high school building, then ending up in some rural country side, hiding amongst the crops along the dusty roads, hiding from people killing everyone to try and stop the plague. As we journeyed along we slowly gained extra members to our party just like in ye olde RPG, while discovering allegedly important items ala rare drops.

I liked that dream, it was like playing an RPG or something. Heh.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Thursday, 26 March 2015

Dreamt that I ran into people back from school. Or could have been that I was back at school. Hard to tell with dreams, y'know? Anyway we just chatted and stuff.


Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Wednesday, 04 March 2015

Not one, but two post-apocalyptic dreams? Is this my reward for not melting to death aftea a 42°C heat wave?

First one I don't remember too well. All I remember was that it was dark, (almost) everyone was dead, everywhere was empty and deserted, and some old lady was trying to get into a building. We warned her not to, but then she opened the door. We expected her to faint from a surge of miasmic odours of dead people, but the truth was even worse.

Out from the door poured a veritable torrent of starving rats. We did not stay to see her horrible demise, because we knew that we would be next.

In hindsight it didn't make sense, wouldn't the rats have eaten the dead people and not be hungry? Before this we were split into two teams in different buildings in some sort of survival thing. All I remember is that our kitchen was full of burnt appliances and there were no lights and eventually one by one everyone disappeared under mysterious circumstances until I was the only one left and fled to to the other team.

Then the second dream.

I was in a big convenience store, just wandering around. I remember passing by some hypocritical man by the frozen fish section haranguing some passerby with his beliefs that he clearly wasn't following himself (don't force your preaching on others, or something to that effect. There was a special on plastic chairs, and one of the shop assistants had tried to write funny messages on them to sell them. It didn't seem to be working, despite it being $2 a chair. Then I ran into... you guessed it, old high school friends. The whole gang was there.

In the same building, eventually all the foodstuffs, then shop stuff, then interior fittings slowly disappeared, until it was just us left with a motley of abandoned furniture. There was another group of people I didn't recognise, and the two groups weren't getting along well.

Somewhere along the line things changed and we found ourselves in the forgotten concrete husk of a building next to the ocean, ocean waves lapping at the corners of the walls, salted and bleached. The waves were slow, turgid and plastic, their consistency more like gel than water. I remember trying to run into the water fully clothed (I had a good reason at the time, honest), only for the wave to arch up over me and then just freeze in place, not falling.

One of the people in our group went into the water and wash up completely wrapped in plastic. Still alive, he was struggling to breathe. A passerby said we should just leave him, he's good as dead anyway. Someone punched him. Eventually we tore the plastic open and he could breathe. In an amusing occurence, Robert Mugabe made a cameo and offered to help us. I guess the moral of the story is even monsters can be human, sometimes.

After this the sun didn't come up for three days. When eventually it did, it was dark as the night and much, much larger. Like a perpetual eclipse, it rose up pitch black with its incandescence reduced to a mere ring around it.

So there we were on the sea shore, friend almost dead at our feet, civilisation eroded away clean leaving only empty concrete skeletons behind, a sickly ocean, and a dead sun.

Oh, there was a 3rd one, or an addendum to the above. We were on a high road overlooking the ocean, and took a walk down to the beach scavenging. There were some freshly dead bodies. We were cautious as to what killed them, when suddenly I got attacked! By a tiny bat. It bit me, then I grapped it by the wings and someone else hit the body with a rock. We ran up to the road as suddenly a whole flock of them came chasing. I managed to get to the top before passing out. Well I hope I just passed out, and didn't die.

The end! So many nice dreams <3 br="">

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

After spending the entire weekend sleep deprived due to playing Space Engineers (along with an hour or two of the incredibly beautiful Eidolon), I went to bed early yesterday and finally managed to get some sleep and a whole bunch of dreams!

First off, we had someone asking a geography question: what would the ocean currents be like on a world without... oceans? Yep. Anyway, turns out something got mixed up in my memory because when the person explained, the planet most definitely had oceans. Anyhow whatever the person asked, the result was that the sea would be really calm and placid near the cost where people where currently living, but due to some reason it would become incredibly violent a few kilometers or so on, effectively landlocking them.

The dream then tranisitioned to a trip to the beach! According to my scrambled links between conscious and unconscious mind, the beach was the tidal pool at Clifton plus say, a meter or so of global warmed sea levels. I don't recall seeing anyone I know, but there was some guy trying to meditate and someone nagging and disturbing him asking for blessings (lol).

Another smooth transition and we're still at the beach but now it's next to the (sports) field at school. And on the other side is an airport and mountain that reminded me of Simons Town. A huge, ancient WW2 bomber takes off from the airport and I get all excited and try to point it out to everyone but no one cares (oooh analyse that one). Then, some person in a (not so ancient) helicopter comes, rolls 180°, and flies within a meter of the ground and then back up and around. My physics isn't that good but... hmm.

Next transition, for some reason we're (can't remember who all that entails) are... living in garages. Neighbour (from school) has a whole lot of people outside because of the photos on his interior wall, hah.

Last dream (and this was a big one), we're driving in a very leafy suburb. Like ridiculously leafy. Eventually it pans out to countryside, and we're driving through old mountainous (and still leafy) area, with the mountains carved out so that roads can go through them, and ancient preserved (but cordoned off) bridges made from rock and stone to the side. Very very pictersque, every bend wanted to make me stop and take photos but of course the car didn't stop.

Eventually we got to the end of the road. You could tell it was the end because it lead into a tunnel that was sealed off with a red curtain like a theater, and for some strange reason the light from the sign wouldn't fall past the entrance. There was also something that looked like a wig lying in the gutter and on closer look it turned out to be a person laying face down and they were dead oh dear so we all start running back and it turned out that that were more of those except these were screaming at other tourists!

Anyhow eventually we got back into the car and drove back and forgot all about that. There was an accident at some point and the car rolled and I was in the back and got really badly hurt and had to be rushed to hospital. Somehow we ended up at some food place (and I was no longer in need of urgent medical attention), but the local cuisine was really weird and then the properietors brough someone their next meal which was one of the severed heads from the earlier dead bodies. We freaked out and fled.

Well that was a busy night.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Friday, 20 February 2015

I had a dream last night that I was on a small plane with about a dozen or less other people. Then things got interesting and it turned out that the plane landed at an airport in a parallel universe, and when it departed back to where it came from, it went back to the original one.

So on the plane we ended up making a plan to stage a heist. Having a plane as an escape plan back to a completely different reality is a pretty good escape plan if you ask me.

Of course, to allow for maximum dramatic effect, the entire heist itself goes wrong. People got killed/caught by police. We tried the sneaky sneaky stealth approach and that failed dismally, probably my subconscious reflecting my inability to play stealth games where you can't just go in guns blazing. There was one point where one of the team tried to incapacitate a bystander several times before he was finally incapacitated, but it was too late because he made too much noise. Also of note was in the ensuing chaos, someone (civilian, bystander) managed to pry a door open and tried to jump onto a rising elevator to escape the mayhem and ended up losing a leg. Chop chop.

The whole thing was in Paris or somewhere else in France or somewhere around there in Europe. Anyway, the rest of us tried to escape by mingling in with some march/procession going on outside (clearly this is the only good use I can think of for people making a noise with carnivals outside), and we managed to flee to the border.

Eventually we got busted on the side (due to some small white furry psychic animal that the border police had hooked up to a machine/trapped inside of), and we tried to play dumb to fight for time. Turns out that one of the contingency measures was a nuke, and the last of us, captured with the police, watched it detonate from across the border.

Fun and games!

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

6. Try to exercise a disinterested acceptance at all times with respect to everything you experience.

At first I was skeptical about meditation but then I got to step 6 and I realised that it was a perfect fit for me.

Other than my failed attempts at detacchment and disinterest in worldy urges and desires and aversions, I don't have much to report on.

I dreamt earlier about a broken window in my room. I'm still having dreams where I'm stuck halfway between living with parents (at childhood home instead of last home) versus having my own place, and thinking everytime something goes wrong there "Well why don't I just move out permenantly to my own place", and it's like in these dreams that I own my own place but I never go there, or I only go there weekends, or some weird twisted logic.

Weight wise I've lost an entire kilo in the last 4 months. Then again considering I'm at 57kg I guess it's okay? Eating healthy is bloody expensive though, I'll be happy if I manage to save $50 this month by overanalysing 14 months of grocery bills line by line.

Ms. Four Boyfriends' infatuation with current bf #7 or whatever (I lost count) combined with her obnoxious Colleague's whining about being sleep deprived and horny is really ruining my mood and ruing my attempts at finding my inner peace and center of calmness and stuff.

So yeah. Inner peace. Namasté.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Friday, 13th February 2015

I had a really nice dream last night!

It started off in a library. The old school, stuffy and dusty and cramped but still comfy kind, that smells like old books and warm couches and motes of dust dancing in the golden sunlight.

Anyhow while hanging out in said library (which for some reason was at the top of a very tall building), some person jumped out the window. Oh dear. At this point it turns out we were police officers so we went down the ground floor to sort the mess out.

Then suddenly it changed from being a person jumping from a tall building to being a car full of people. And what was weirder was the dead bodies weren't in the middle of the car... but under the bonnet instead of the engine.

However we couldn't open the bonnet because the car wreck landed in some sort of "wrong side of town" run down area with angry people glaring and warning us if we open the bonnet and the blood sprays out and lands on their stuff (?!) they'll get mad.

Anyhow eventually we started to get to work with official police duties when we find out through our super secret sources that something went wrong and now we ourselves are wanted by the police for crimes we didn't commit (cue A-team opening theme). A whole bunch of cars with angry people with angry guns start to arrive from the distance.

Some random stranger rocks up in a taxi and tells us if we want to live we better go, so we all squeeze in and we ride off. At some point this changes to two vehicles. Then 1000km or so later, we end up outside some parking lot for a supermarket or something? But we can't get any further easily because of security that's set up like some kind of sneaky stealth game like Metal Gear or Hitman or something.

So after getting past them we somehow end up in a house where I assume we were hiding out until we can prove our innocence. Then we discovered something important in the back yard but I can't remember what exactly.

So yeah. On paper it doesn't sound very interesting anymore but I actually enjoyed it okay :(

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Thought for the day

Irrationaly overly optimistic people, please stop flailing your optimism around like a hammer, trying to smash a square peg into a round hole. You can't force people to be happy like flicking on a switch in a dark room.

Thursday, 12 February 2015

Yesterday I was reading a discussion about confidence and rejection, and one of the comments that stood out to me was one person putting it in terms of transactions.

Basically their analogy was that people with low self-confidence are betting all of their confidence when they put themselves in a situation where they could be accepted or rejected, and each subsequent rejection drains their already meagre savings.

And I think that this is what a lot of people without the problem don't understand. It's not just simply a lack of going up to every person you see and flirting with them and asking them out. Introverts by nature find interaction with others (especially strangers) greatly taxing. Importantly, every time they expose themselves to possible rejection, this comes at a cost.

That cost is higher for people with social anxiety, and their reserves lower. The potential reward is great. In fact, greater for people with low self-confidence, in the same way that a poor person would be happier to suddenly receive $10'000 whilst a millionaire would barely notice it. When others suggest "Just going out there and trying", while the saying "You can't win if you don't play" is true, just participating can just as easily ensure automatic loss.

People are good at avoiding pain. Some might call it risk averse, others might call it self-preservation. If you burn your hand on something, you instinctively pull it away before you can even consciously thing about the problem. There is no reason why mentally or emotionally there shouldn't be similar safeguards.

To finish off, each time someone takes one of these chances, they're taking a risk. For a person with high self-confidence, the risk is neglible. For someone with low self-confidence, the risk can be bankrupting. For a person with high self-confidence, the reward is great. For a person with low self-confidence, the reward is even greater due to their situation.

So, don't be so quick to think that the only problem with these people is that they're too shy/lazy/scared to try more often.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

The rock in the water believes it is it that which parts the river, but it it is the water which flows around the rock, and in time shall erodes it down to nothingness.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Thursday, 05 February 2015

Nothing interesting today.

Got home yesterday, was tired and tried to take a nap, got awoken by a fly comprised of extra special obnoxiousness, who I then tried to spray with insecticide, only for the fly to fly directly at the can and towards the nozzle. Well, so much for that.

Made dinner, played a bit of MirrorMoon. The power went out at 8:13pm so I went to sleep again cause I was really tired. Ended up waking up at 1:30am from another dream where I was actually doing work (working even in my dreams, again). There was something in the dream involving struggling with phone lines, which made me fuss around the apartment at 2am in the morning opening wall socket covers to check something. Hmm.

Then at about 2:30am my brain kept telling me that getting a motorbike will solve all my problems. The same why getting my own apartment solved all my problems (it didn't, cause I'm good at making new ones. The best, even). Anyhow I don't particularly intend on being turned into a strawberry pancake by incompetent drivers who can't even look where they're walking while walking straight on the sidewalk, let alone be in control of 1000kg of plastic and metal that can do 100km/hr.

I eventually fell asleep, then woke up really tired. At least today is Thursday so I don't have to make lunch.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Wednesday, 04 February 2015

Last night I had a lot of dreams.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Tuesday, 03 February 2015 (Evening edition)

I thought that moving into my own apartment would solve a lot more of my problems than it actually ended up solving. Oh well.

Tuesday, 03 February 2015

Last night I had a dream that I lost my temper at work. I hope that's not a sign of things to come. I think the last time I lost my temper (in general, not at work) was 2009.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Monday, 02 February 2015

So, joy of joys, the banshee is back. I got woken up in the early hours of the morning by her screaming and whining at her boyfriend, followed by her crying that she didn't take any crystal meth, she swears, followed by more whining. I was hoping the city did something about these aggressive drug addict vagrants but I guess not. I hope they go away and/or stop making a noise.

Didn't try and MBSR or binaural stuff yesterday, and between the noise outside and the howling gale force wind my sleep was very interrupted. I recall recalling that I had a mildly interesting dream at some point but I do not remember the details. Alas.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Thursday, 29 January 2015

Oh wow, I didn't try that binaural stuff last night before I went to sleep (I did the two days prior) but I had one hell of a long, conjoined dream.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Thursday, 22 January 2015

I had a dream last night that I was in South East Asia, which country exactly I do not recall, but it was night time and raining really badly and flooding was imminent.

I managed to hitch a ride with two small kids who stole their (now dead) parents' car, and we were trying to escape from the floodwaters. They missed a bend, car hit something, they went flying through the windshield, and in slow motion, one of their dead bodies transformed into the Shrike from Dan Simmons' Hyperion series of novels.


I had an even better dream before that but I can't remember what happened because I then woke up, checked the time, and elated that it was only 1 am and I still had 5 more hours of sleep to enjoy, forget all my woes and worries in life, albeit briefly.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Wednesday, 21 Januray 2015

Had another neat dream last night. It makes me wonder, at what point does someone's relationship friendship with you reach where they start regularly appearing in your dreams? Is there a specific turning point or does it just happen over time?

Anyhow, saw said person, told them to look up at the sky, counted down from 3 and suddenly a helicopter appeared. But it wasn't going to be carrying a corny message that hang behind planes when people propose. Oh no. Suddenly, pew pew. Then more helicopters. And more shooting.

Anyways turns out WW3(4?) started. After watching the fireworks for a while, we decided to find somewhere safer to go (despite the action still being far away for now). All I remember after that is being at the habour, everything was derelict and abandoned and water was reclaiming the walking surfaces. Polar caps melting already? So yeah, I woke up about then.

Also in a previous dream I dreamt that I went back to the previous house we lived at and my cat was still alive. I miss my cat.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Sunday, 18 January 2015

For last night's dream, I was on a bus, and for once it was not with the people who usually show up in my dreams (cough cough). I'm still not sure who they were but okay anyway. Bus is driving to some holiday destination.

So we're riding up this mountain and we go through this tunnel, and as we come out there are these incredibly massive drill bit stuff that they used to cut the tunnel. Like multiple stories high, and they left them up there on top of the mountain and make mounments or something out of them. I thought they looked really awesome.

Then we rouneded a bend, and they also had also these huge gears also mounted around some old mining pit. Again, looked really awesome, and luckily I had my camera with!

We then got to our (holiday?) destination a few 100 meters down, and I was not impressed because we had to go to reception first and all sign in and I wanted to go straight ahead to running off and taking photos.

While we were doing this some got killed (dun dun dunnn) and it appeared to be turning into some murder mystery puzzle, but then I woke up (and realised it was 10am already, whoops).


Monday, January 12, 2015

Monday, 12 January 2015

 No interesting dreams lately. In fact, not many at all. Weird. Calm before the storm? Who knows!

Here, have an amusing quote from a book I read yesterday:
"Maybe there is some sort of law of conservation of misery that insures an average quantum value of unhappiness for every human being, and all we can really do is spread it in one direction or another?"
~ Frederik Pohl

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Wednesday, 07 January 2015

Woke up this morning and couldn't remember anything of importance.

On the physical side, I felt out of breath, as if I've been holding my breath in whole night. Throat was a little scratchy and mouth was dry. Eyes felt a bit like sandpaper and I had to get in a few more yawns and stretches than usual. I hope it's not sleep apnea or something.

Then I vaguely remembered some lame dream about someone going out of their way to try and prove me wrong at everything I say and do, and get me into trouble with everything possible. Sigh, I have enough of that rubbish in real life, I don't need to dream about it too.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Tuesday, 06 January 2015

I had a nice dream last night, I was pretty sad to see it end.

It was nice to have things work out for once. How things could have been.

Makes you wonder where things were wrong. What you did wrong. Continuously. Over the course of more than two decades. (Yay self-blame!)

Oh well, dreams and what ifs.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Monday, 05 January 2015

I had quite a few dreams last night but I kind of forgot most of them because I woke up early just to sit looking out the window and watching the rain fall down slowly. Got to write them down immediately or they turn into smoke y'know.

The one I do remember, I was in an elevator with someone from work (who I am sure I've only spoken to once in the last 10 years but hey dream logic at picking people, go figure). Anyway we're leaving a meeting or something and want to go back to our floors but the lift decides to go straight to Ground Floor. Anyway we get there and decide to press the numbers for our floors and... the elevator only has one other button for some random floor number.

We press the number thinking we can just take the stairs to our floor. We get there and... we can't get out, because the lift is facing the back of the lift shaft instead of the opening on that floor. So apparently each floor alternates which way the lift faces, and the lift has to be open on both ends for people to get out. I guess more buttons would help too.

Any how, through one of those lovely lapses of continuity and suspension of disbelief and what not, we end up in the parking lot of the building, thinking to take the stairs. We find the stairs. We walk up the stairs. The stairs seem to be going through that period in their life where they want to rebel against their parents and society's expectations of conformance and have made a rather weak effort at emulating Escher.

The stair case will go up for (just under) a quarter of a circle, reach a landing where one makes a U-turn to go up and adjacent set of stairs. There are then 4 sets of these in the circular stair well. Instead of the common sense of just... having one spiral staircase. There is also a gap between the stairwells, so you can't cross between the four sets.

And the best part in application was, when you get to the landing, for some reason you needed to walk backwards slightly to disembark on your floor, which would be great if there weren't people behind you. Long story short, I tried to leave the stairs to my floor, the person behind me then decided to not let me through as they want to get ahead of me, so that they can walk backwards first (to get back to where they are already...) so they can get out of the stairs first.

They then chose to jump the handrails, and somehow found themselves between the stairs and the floor over a considerable fall. Oh well. Sucks to be them.

The only other dream I remember involved someone from school (but set in current day & age) asking me if I stayed alone because they need somewhere to crash for the week (HAH. Where have I heard that before.)

Oh there was also one set in a forest or something. Was probably performance anxiety about taking photos or something.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Sunday, 04 January 2015 Afternoon Edition

Today is one of those days where my brain displays incredible feats of mental gymnastics that would make any subconcious dreaming mind proud as it proceeds to take any situation thrown at it and weave the most convulted pattern of conjecture and deductionary reasoning to find reasons for me to feel like crap.

Like I could be sitting on the balcony and I'd notice someone out of the corner of my eye saying hi to someone else and somehow my brain would definitely make a spectacular show of bringing up 20 year old memories and implausible reasoning to make me feel bad.

Thank goodness for small mercies. Or something.

Sunday, 04 January 2015

So, good news and bad news. Or rathe good dreams and not so good dreams.

First off, I had the car dream again *groan*. Long story short cause it's dumb, I'm in the passenger seat of a car, driver is driving, suddenly for some reason I can't recall they stop the car and jump out. Car then proceeds to start rolling forward. Handbrake does nothing, brake pedal does nothing. Joy! A dream about never being in a control of the situation, a metaphor for me life.

Second dream was way cooler. I was doing skydiving and it was really fun etc. First we(?)/I were jumping from a small plane around familiar territory that I recognized, then we/I ended up in some huge Soviet-era bomber and was doing jumps in icy mountainous terrain. It was really cool (see what I did there? haha) and I even got some neat badges and stuff to sew onto my jacket.

Then that obnoxious asshole fly came back. asdfdfasd I hate summer.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Saturday, 03 January 2015

So I had a nice dream last night.

Naturally of course it was set back in the days of high school (notice the recurring trend here?) and for some reason I was testing out some sort of half-exoskeleton, just for legs, the kind they're testing for the crippled people (I wasn't though).

Anyhow as the dream progressed I levelled up and got more and more of the exoskeleton, then ended up being able to utilize anti-gravity or levitate or something, and then levelled up some more like in some grindy Eastern MMORPG and managed to be able to fly.

Anyhow I was travelling down the ocean road back in those days and kept running into people from school. The area was much more developed and stuff, even some futuristic buildings. Anyway there was an emergency and *whoosh* *take off* and then dun dun dun BOSS FIGHT.

Turns out that the next thing to level up would have been computer neurocontrollers communicating directly with the brain. I beat the evil boss fight person who killed a bunch of innocent people and tried to trick me by using fake copies of still iving ones, but then...

I got woken up by a fly. One of those obnoxious houseflies, the kind that loiter on bars of soap, and lounge around on cans of insecticide, taunting you to try and use it, leaving you gagging in the miasmic cloud while they fly around mocking you. Goddammit I hate summer and its panolpy of annoying flying insects.

Edit: Urgh. Not only is the writing sloppy, but I get the feeling that anyone reading this is gonna be all "hurr  hurr Iron Man". If anything the dreams are probably the result of playing a hundred hours of Borderlands in the last 30 days or something. Also, too tired to be all defensive, also I need to take a bath and make breakfast.

Also today is going to be a terrible day because people only talk to you when they want something and I still need to learn to say no as opposed to saying yes and still feeling guilty because I want to say no even though I didn't.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Friday, 02 January 2015

So, my first dream of the new year involved... wait for it... dramatic pause... people from high school! Who woulda though? I mean it's only been 11 years now. Oh well.

On an unrelated note, I can say that with 21 years of experience in this matter, I have never ever had anything good come out of trying to impress girls with drawing ability/skill/talent/whatever you want to call it.

People always say "drawing is so cool I wish I could do that". Pfft. It's never brought me any good. I wish I had a more useful ability, like, I dunno, some iota of self-confidence maybe.